A Part Of Me: Read online

  “You said she was nice, right? So, she’ll understand. And in any case, you would have gotten pregnant in a few months. It’s just a bit sooner than expected. She’ll get over it.”

  “She’ll fire me, and I haven’t even started yet.” Michael opened the door and came in with the groceries. The kids ran to him and yelled “Popsicle! Popsicle!” and tried looking through the bags for the popsicles he had promised them. They weren’t familiar with the term ‘patience’.

  “Hey Cathy, how are you?” Michael loved mom, and it was mutual.

  “Everything’s great.” Her smile said ‘I know.’ Mom kissed him on the cheek and then wiped off the lipstick. “Come, kids, sit at the table and eat nicely.”

  They followed her, each holding their popsicle, like goslings following mother goose. Adam sat on the chair and Ariel insisted on sitting on mom. I told mom she would get dirty, but she didn’t care. She ignored me and placed Ariel on her knees. I kept the wipes close by. Chocolate popsicles are infamous for staining. I should know.

  I looked at them while Michael put the groceries away. The kids looked at mom with admiration. They smiled and were on their best behavior. Ariel even sat in one place for more than 5 minutes. At that moment I thought things might actually work out. Maybe we can handle three kids. The only question that remained unanswered was what would we eat when Alice fires me?

  Chapter 29

  It was my first day at the new office. I dressed as well as I could and even wore some makeup. I asked Michael to replace me and be with Adam that morning, since the first days in his new daycare were harder than expected.

  I came in unusually early, even for me, and the office was still empty. Only Dina, the elderly secretary Anna told me about, was there. She was tough but nice. At least, that’s what Anna had told me.

  “Welcome,” I thought I saw a smile, but it was a faint one. “I prepared some stationary on your desk. If you’re missing anything, there’s a supply closet behind me with everything you’ll need.”

  “Thank you.” I smiled and headed to my office. Anna told me that I shouldn’t annoy Dina by asking too many questions. That was one of the first pointers she gave me.

  I walked into my new office (finally, an actual room and not a jail cell). There were a few pens on the desk, two legal pads, that for some reason, all lawyers use. Beside them was a white mug wrapped in cellophane. The mug said “Shirley”, and on a note attached to it “welcome to Kaplan & Associates.’” I opened it with excitement and went to make some tea in my new mug. When I waited for the water to boil, Anna came in with one of the lawyers I saw the last time I was here.

  “Hey, Shirley, it’s so great to have you. This is Lea. She’s in charge of real estate.” It was a good thing Anna introduced us, because I couldn’t remember her name.

  “Hi, nice to meet you,” we formally shook hands. “Thank you for the present, it was a pleasant surprise.”

  “You’re welcome. We each have a mug with our name, spares us doing the dishes. It was Dina’s idea.” Anna made a silly face and laughed. Lia took a cookie and left, I waited for Anna to make her coffee. We went back to our shared room and I waited for Alice to come and give me something useful to do.

  After an hour, Dina told me Alice was running late, so I decided to use this free time to make some phone calls I was prevented from making while I was home with the kids. Calling the insurance company requires time and patience; which I had none of while the kids were on their summer vacation.

  “Dr. Gidron’s clinic,” his secretary picked up almost immediately.

  “Good morning. I have a slightly weird request. Dr. Gidron sent me to take some blood tests. He made note that I was a BRCA1 carrier. I would like to ask that you erase that from my file.”

  “What? What do you mean?”

  “I don’t want my file to say that I’m a carrier because it might make things complicated for me. So, I need you to erase that sentence for me,” I tried again.

  “Erase the blood test request from your file?” she asked. That’s it. I gave up.

  “Could you please ask him to call me back?” That was probably the quickest way to resolve the issue.

  The secretary wrote down my details and all I could do was hope that she gave him my message. No one explained to me what it meant having that comment on my file, and it made me anxious. I decided it was best not having that comment at all. Everybody kept saying it was discrete genetic information, but it’s written everywhere. So how was it discrete exactly?

  I hung up and charged my phone. Anna approached me and sat on one of the chairs in front of my desk. “Sorry to barge in, but I couldn’t help hearing your conversation.”

  “It’s fine,” I smiled and tried making Anna feel like everything was OK. In any case, I wanted to consult with her about when and how I should tell Alice I was pregnant.

  I tried not talking to anyone about being a carrier. Not just because I didn’t want the kids to hear about it, but mostly because it was exhausting. People didn’t really know what to say. It was even worse when they started recommending different things and sending me every possible article about it.

  Anna asked if I knew Mia Miller, a lawyer from the Cohen & Associates firm. I shook my head no. “She also found out she was a carrier a few years ago. I was the opposing council on a case we had, and she was really nice. She just had the surgery, which is how I found out. If you want, I could ask her if you can talk to her. Maybe she can help you.”

  “That would be great, thank you.”

  “With pleasure.” Anna smiled and went back to reading an injunction file.

  My thoughts wandered off and far from the office. But it was my first day and it was important to make a good first impression. When Alice came in, she handed me two files and asked that I read them carefully and familiarize myself with the details. She asked Dina to schedule meetings with the clients two weeks from now, so I would have enough time to catch up. I immediately thought that if this were Nathan, I would have gotten the files on our way to the meeting.

  ***

  That very evening, Anna gave me Mia’s phone number and we scheduled to meet the next day for lunch. We found a nice café in a small commercial center, where mostly senior citizens sat at this time of the day. Mia said I would recognize her by her glasses, and sure enough, when I walked into the café, I saw her sitting by the table with a menu. Big red glasses weren’t something you could miss. She had a short and edgy blond haircut and was dressed as if she were nominated for an Oscar no less; a fitting black dress and silver high heels. I now understood what Anna meant when she said Mia was an impressive woman.

  “Hi, I’m Shirley.” I sat in front of her and shook her hand. Each of her fingernails was painted in a different color.

  “Nice to meet you. Have you been working at Alice’s for a long time?”

  “About two days,” I opened the menu and looked for something light yet satisfying.

  “So, when did you find out about the gene?” Mia asked without beating around the bush.

  “Almost two years ago. That’s what the universe gave me for my 29th birthday. And you?”

  “About five years ago. I took the test because my mom passed away from cancer at a young age. They didn’t have the genetic tests back then.”

  “Did you do you anything about it, other than the regular checkups?”

  “I removed my ovaries about a year ago. I decided not to touch my breasts. Seemed a bit unnecessary.”

  “I was also thinking about removing my ovaries. But only when I turn 40. How old are you?”

  “I’m forty-three, just a bit older than you.” Mia smiled. She looked much younger, which surprised me since I knew early menopause kicks in after the surgery. It seems that it didn’t affect her much.

  “A bit, but I’m not as young as I look.”

  “Are you ke
eping up with your regular checkups?” When she asked this question, Mia reminded me of my mom.

  “I try.” These checkups became challenging with me being pregnant, but I didn’t think this was a good time to share this information with Mia.

  “Good. That’s the most important thing. You should have a checkup every 6 months. When you’re done having children, you should just go for it, remove your ovaries. Don’t wait. What cancer do you have in the family?”

  “My mom had ovarian cancer, but she’s fine now.”

  “No such thing as fine with ovarian cancer.”

  “What do you mean?” I was shocked by what she had said. I knew there was a chance it would come back, but it’s been two and a half years since mom was told she was cancer-free.

  “That thing always comes back. Always. I don’t know anyone who survived that type of cancer.” A waitress came to take our order. Mia inquired about their vegan options.

  I didn’t know what to say. Ever since mom finished her treatments, she was back to her regular self. She even went on a ski vacation. She worked a lot and visited Gabi in Australia. Everything was back to normal. Gabi was also about to start a new job. Tommy started having friends at school and preparing for his GMATs. Jonathan finished his military service and started considering his options. Mom was even talking about buying an apartment and settling down somewhere once Tommy graduates from high-school. After such a long time, things felt normal.

  “And what will you have, Shirley?” Mia interrupted the thoughts running through my mind, forcing me back to reality.

  “A chicken Cesar salad, please, and a diet coke.”

  We kept on talking for while, as if we were old friends, and agreed we would stay in touch. It was so nice, for the first time, talking to someone who had been through it. I didn’t want to talk to mom about it because she would immediately become sad and begin apologizing, as if she had personally chosen to pass on this gene to me. Whenever she brought the subject up, I would simply say that everything was fine, my checkups were fine, and generally speaking, I was fine.

  But I wasn’t fine at all. The fact that I couldn’t have any checkups because of the pregnancy, made me really nervous. I couldn’t wait for the pregnancy to be over. More so, I couldn’t wait for them to tell me that I have a boy. A boy would make everything easier. Ok, maybe not everything, but a lot of things. After all, this specific mutation didn’t have the same affect on boys. Even though men can also get breast cancer, or other types of cancers.

  So, I decided to try and hope it was a boy. What else could I do but wait for Dr. Cooperman. I decided that only after he would tell me that everything was fine, I would tell Alice about the pregnancy. Unless I show. Well, that was why I ordered a salad, wasn’t it?

  Chapter 30

  It was nice working for Alice, all in all. Even though, every morning I would find on my desk a pile of papers with red pen markings, her corrections were professional and to the point. Her emails were somewhat overbearing, but I made sure to answer each and every one of them meticulously and patiently, and in most cases, she accepted my answers. Also, when we would disagree on something, we stayed professional and never personal, which made working with her even easier. In fact, I successfully changed her mind a couple times.

  I would work all morning without taking a break and go out at noon to grab a bite. I was so hungry I couldn’t wait for my pasta take out. I guess I could blame the pregnancy for that too.

  This time, I sat at the bar and waited to get my order. I casually flipped through the newspaper that was left on the bar. I couldn’t remember when was the last time I had the opportunity to sit in the middle of the day with a newspaper for no particular reason. And then I saw the article.

  It was called PGD. Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis. It sounded scary, but that was exactly what I was planning to do. To choose a healthy fetus. The article was about a carrier from Jerusalem, about my age, who went through this process during her IVF treatments. She chose a healthy fetus and was about to give birth soon.

  I read the article several times and the tears just starting pouring uncontrollably. I was so mad at myself. How could I have not done it? How could I have disappointed my child? Why did I not prevent it?

  I could barely hear the bartender call my name, and just grabbed my purse and ran back to the office with my lunch. I sat in my chair and started crying. Anna was in the room, she immediately stood up and closed the door.

  “What happened? Is everything all right?”

  “Yes, yes, it’s nothing.” I kept crying and started looking for tissues in my drawers. Anna went to get me a glass of water from the kitchen.

  I blew my nose and took a few deep breaths to calm myself down.

  “What happened? You’re making me nervous.” Anna sat on the desk, close to me, and placed her hand on my shoulder.

  “I’m pregnant. And I just read about a procedure that would have prevented me from passing this gene on to my baby. There’s nothing I can do for the others. But this, I could have done. This pregnancy was unexpected. I was going to look into it before I got pregnant and missed it.” The more I spoke, the more the tears poured, “and Alice will probably kill me when she hears about it, because I was already pregnant when I started working here.”

  “She won’t kill you. Pregnancies are a good thing, a great thing. Don’t think about that gene.”

  “How can I not? I could have spared it this burden. This sense of anxiety that follows me everywhere. And now, everything is screwed up.” I was overwhelmed with guilt. I was such an idiot for not having planned this properly.

  “Actually, you were the one who was screwed, right?” Anna smiled and so did I, both laughing and crying at the same time.

  “Stop, everything is going to be fine and you’ll have a healthy child. Do you know if you’re having a boy or a girl?”

  “No, I have my scan next week.”

  “Great, and don’t worry. Alice will be happy and supportive. Most lawyers here take a one-year maternity leave, and no one bats an eye. Really, you shouldn’t worry about it. You need to worry about your health and the baby’s.” She placed her hand on my belly and smiled. All I could think about was that I was finally at the right place at the right time. Maybe I did get a bit lucky.

  ***

  It turned out, Anna was right. Alice took it well. Actually, very well. I apologized about a hundred times, saying it was unexpected, and Alice calmed me down and said everything was OK. Even though she still returned everything I wrote with plenty of corrections, she said she was happy with my work and I had nothing to worry about.

  After the scan I called Sarah to tell her what the doctor had said. It wasn’t like we spoke every day; I just kept her posted about the important things.

  “So, I have a girl. Another girl,” I told her unenthusiastically, which she could hear in my tone.

  “Why so sad? Why aren’t you thrilled?” I heard her chewing something. She was probably having the call during her lunch break.

  “Eating sushi again?”

  “Of course. So, what’s going on with you? What’s eating you?” Some things never change.

  “I was hoping it was a boy.”

  “Nonsense, what difference does it make? You already have a boy and a girl.”

  “That’s not the point. I wanted a boy because the gene doesn’t affect them as much. With a girl, I have to worry about it for the rest of my life. It’s enough having to worry for Ariel.”

  No one understood why I was so disappointed, and since I hadn’t told most people about being a carrier, I couldn’t even explain myself.

  I generally wouldn’t tell people about being a carrier. No one understood what it really meant, and what it meant living with it. So, I simply kept it to myself, except for family and a handful of really close friends.

  I had a complex relati
onship with this shadow that followed me everywhere while I tried ignoring it as hard as I could. But the frequent checkups and the endless bureaucracy before and after gave this shadow more attention than I intended to. Mostly at nighttime.

  However, from time to time, I couldn’t help it. Like at the Hanukkah party at the daycare. A mom sitting next to me told me that someone on her father’s side had breast cancer. I immediately thought about mom who got the gene from her father, and wanted to tell her that she should get checked as soon as possible. But I kept quiet. I didn’t want to make her nervous, and also didn’t want the kids to accidently hear about me being a carrier. That was the last thing I needed. So, I didn’t say a word.

  A year later, the daycare teacher told me that the mom I spoke to got breast cancer but they found it in time. I felt so guilty that I didn’t say anything because I was selfish. If I had told her of the risks, maybe I could have raised her awareness. Our daughters are at the same age, and I kept thinking it could have been me.

  I went to visit her only after she recovered, simply because I couldn’t look her in the eye. She told me the worst part was over, and she had pulled through it, but all I could do was hope she didn’t remember our conversation from Hanukkah. She didn’t bring it up and we finished the conversation by wishing each other good health.

  But I could tell Sarah anything. She didn’t always fully understand, but she always listened and tried her best.

  “Maybe by the time she grows up they’ll find a cure,” Sarah tried to cheer me up. “But in the meantime, how about we go away for a week, just us girls? I’m dying for a week in London. Come with me. Don’t be heavy.”

  “That’s something that you never say to a pregnant woman.”

  “It’ll be years before you get to go again. This is the right time. Let’s go in two weeks, be spontaneous.”

  “I’ll check with Michael.”

  “But this time, actually check with him. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, trust me.”