A Part Of Me: Read online

  “So quit.”

  “Oh, come on?! How can I quit? We have a mortgage and Ida.” I turned the bathroom light off and went back to bed.

  “We’ll find a solution. Do what’s good for you.” Michael sat next to me and placed his hand on mine. I tried thinking what would make me happy but didn’t know. I didn’t know what I wanted. Everything seemed so unreal. Sometimes, I couldn’t believe this was my reality, that this was how I was living my life. None of this was on my bucket list. And now, when I didn’t have much time left, it was clear to me that something had to change. But I didn’t know what exactly.

  Chapter 20

  “Shirley, are you coming?” Nathan shouted from the hallway. I took the brief and the documents I had prepared and joined him in the elevator. “The taxi is waiting downstairs.”

  “Great.” It was 9:30 A.M. I hoped we would come back from the hostel early enough for me to make it to the daycare on time.

  There was heavy traffic on the way to Jerusalem, but we weren’t very late for the meeting. Joel came outside to greet us and invited us into the hostel. “We’ll sit in the basement because it’s quiet there. The kids have different activities and we don’t want to disturb them.”

  The house was busy but organized. Young people kept climbing up and down the stairs. At times, it was hard to tell whether the person walking by was a patient or a therapist. We followed Joel down the stairs and entered a room that wasn’t especially big and was filled with plastic chairs that used to be white.

  I sat next to Nathan and looked at the parents around us. They seemed worried and tired. They looked at us with hope in their eyes. It was clear that if we didn’t get the case dismissed, the hostel would shut down and the kids wouldn’t have anywhere to go.

  “These are our lawyers from Tel Aviv, Nathan and Shirley. They came to answer all your questions. So, please, ask away.”

  Nathan stood up in the middle of the room and had a big smile smeared on his face. He loved being at the center of attention but mostly liked hearing his own voice.

  “Good morning everyone. As you know, I have prepared a detailed plea and filed all our statements. Shirley will now hand out copies of all the documents so that you have an idea of what we have done up to now.”

  I took out the copies and handed them out like a graceful stewardess. They thanked me and some even shook my hand.

  “We’re waiting for the hearing next month. We’ll appreciate it if as many parents as possible will attend.” Some of the parents nodded and Nathan continued. “It’s safe to assume that this hearing won’t be the last, since we need to cross examine the witnesses which might take some time.”

  “When will there be a decision?” asked one of the moms who looked as if she had just raced in a marathon.

  “It can take a year. The judicial system is not as fast as they show in the movies.” Some of the parents laughed and Nathan seemed proud of himself.

  “What will we do if they shut the place down? Where will our children go? It’s hard when my son is home. We can’t survive without the hostel,” she continued, and the other parents nodded in consent.

  “Don’t worry, if it gets to that, we’ll find a solution.” Joel stood up and tried calming down the parents who were now talking to us and one another. The echo here was exceptionally loud and it was hard to figure out who was saying what. “Let’s be quiet and listen to what our lawyer has to say.”

  It took a few minutes before Nathan could continue. “We believe the case will be dismissed, but we’re still up against one of the biggest law firms in Jerusalem, and we shouldn’t underestimate them. Next week, one of the news channels will come to cover the story and it would help if you agree to take part in it.”

  Nathan barely finished his sentence and the parents started talking again. From what I could pick up, it appeared that most of them agreed to participate, and asked us to keep them posted about the time and date. Joel promised to notify them and Nathan continued his one-man-show. “In short, the process will take some time, but we believe we can handle it so that the hostel remains in its current location. You may address Shirley with any question. All documents have the office contact information, feel free to reach out.”

  The parents still seemed uneasy; even when the meeting was over. They followed us out and kept offering their help. I thanked them and promised to contact them if I needed anything.

  “We have to win this case,” I whispered to myself on the way back, perhaps also to Nathan.

  “Of course we will.” Nathan looked back at one of the concerned parents, and then settled in his seat. “By the way, have you written the new motion in Samuel’s new case?”

  Chapter 21

  I thought this would be yet another regular semi-annual checkup. But I left with an urgent reference for a breast ultrasound..

  “Due to your history, we need to be on the safe side, although I think the lump might be breastfeeding related,” he said. “I’ll get the results. and then we’ll see.”

  With trembling hands, I dialed Michael’s number, who immediately offered to come with me. But I preferred having mom with me. I was scared of the results, but I was equally afraid of the test itself. After all, the word “biopsy” immediately makes you think of cancer.

  My appointment was scheduled for the very next day. Apparently if you use the letter combination BRCA, things move a lot faster. I spent the night thinking of all the things they might find. Although the doctor said he thought it was benign, I still couldn’t calm down. Doctors make mistakes. Cemeteries are probably filled with people who were told ‘it’s benign’. On the other hand, the test was frightening in itself. The thought that they would stick a needle in me, made me extremely anxious.

  I didn’t tell anyone in the office, except for Sarah, of course. She was asked to replace me in an urgent meeting with Samuel with yet another unnecessary dispute he got himself into.

  “Do I need to pay?” I asked the receptionist who scanned the reference and then highlighted with a yellow marker the word ‘urgent’.

  “As a carrier, you don’t need to pay for these tests. It’s free for you.”

  “What a shame,” I replied and thought that I would have been willing to pay if it meant not being a carrier.

  Mom waited outside with Ariel, and I was taken into a dark room. I was asked to take my top off and wear a weird paper see-through apron, though I wasn’t sure about its purpose. It didn’t cover anything nor did it keep me warm.

  The doctor came in and asked the technician to show her the file. I was trembling on the bed and couldn’t calm down.

  “Breathe,” the technician said in a Russian accent, and I nodded but couldn’t stop shaking. I could hear Ariel and mom sitting outside, and it soothed me. For a short moment I was able to concentrate on listening to Ariel and not think about where I was – in a hospital bed, moments before having a biopsy.

  “I’m giving you a local anesthetic,” the doctor felt my left breast and looked for the right spot. “Take a deep breath.”

  I was so nervous I couldn’t speak, so I just closed my eyes and waited for it to be over. It wasn’t so bad, but I felt the needle inside my body and the substance spreading in me.

  When I opened my eyes the doctor held another needle, even scarier than the first. This time not even Ariel’s screaming could distract me when the needle went into my breast and made weird clicking sounds.

  She repeated that process, and I felt I was about to faint, even though I didn’t feel the needle at all.

  “I’m taking several samples,” the doctor explained patiently, and the technician caressed my hand, trying to calm me down. “That’s it, we’re done,” she said, and then I could actually breathe. “It seems it’s just breast milk, so you have nothing to worry about. You’ll have the results in two weeks.”

  For now, I thought. I have nothing to w
orry about, for now.

  I stepped outside and hugged Ariel tightly.

  “It’s going to be fine sweetie,” mom whispered and hugged me.

  We stood in front of the secretary, three generations, all three of us crying, each for her own reasons.

  Chapter 22

  It was my birthday, and this time we asked Natalie to babysit so we could go out and celebrate. It was, after all, a big one – my 30th birthday; a perfectly legitimate reason to go out and have fun with my family. My biopsy results came in negative, which immediately brought joy back into my life after two sleepless weeks, in which I excruciatingly waited for a call from the doctor’s office.

  We met at a restaurant that mom particularly liked, and that also served food that was up to her new dietary standards which she upheld since getting sick. I wasn’t sure whether the healthy and organic food (she bought at insane prices), actually improved her health, but if she believed it did, it was good enough for me. Jonathan joked about our inheritance being spent on organic carrots and juice machines. In response, mom sulked at him and Gabi added that we shouldn’t count on an inheritance because they plan on enjoying life to the fullest..

  When we got into the restaurant, I saw mom happily smiling next to Gabi. She had a loving look in her eyes. It was touching to see them. Their wedding was one of the most emotional moments in my life. The military chaplain almost fainted when she stood under the Chuppah with a red pants suit. For a minute, it seemed this last year was nothing more than a bad dream. She looked healthy and vital. Her short hair was the only give away, to those who knew her, that she had chemotherapy. After she got sick, her hair grew into thick curls and her straight hair disappeared. But she was still gorgeous and noble, and had a natural beauty I could only dream of. Michael once told me, that when he met my mother, he knew I had good genes. I wondered if he still felt the same.

  I hugged her tightly and sat beside her. Mom took out a long white envelope and placed it in a bag with a small box. “I brought you a little something,” she said. “I hope you like the card.”

  I opened the box. Inside was a thin golden necklace with a round pendent set with tiny diamonds.

  “It’s amazing, mom. Just what I like; gentle and beautiful. Thank you.”

  “I chose it, but Julie helped me,” Gadi said proudly.

  “Good job, I see mom started delegating her responsibilities” I kissed him and mom and then read the card.

  I took the envelope out of the bag and slowly opened it. On a piece of lined paper (that she probably ripped out off one of Tommy’s notebooks) was mom’s handwriting:

  “My one and only beloved daughter,

  You have blessed me with thirty years of your light!

  You were there through my most difficult moments. Mature, confident and loving, my rock.

  I know you possess powers, that you may have inherited from your grandmother, you’re a rare blend of sensitivity, humanity, wisdom and strength, that would surely help you throughout the following decades with your wonderful family.

  I love you very much, my sweetheart, and wish you the best the world has to offer. I wish myself, to be with you for many more years. I’m so lucky to have you,

  Mom.

  P.S., I handwrote this so you can keep it for when I won’t be around here, with you…”

  I took a deep breath and hugged her so tightly. I hoped it would never end.

  “So? Should we eat something?” Gabi interrupted our emotional outburst, it wasn’t really his thing. To me, he always represented rationality. I would always ask for his advice about important issues and decisions I had to make.

  When I would come back to Maccabim on my weekend off from the university, we would sit in the kitchen and talk through the night. Gabi would pour himself a glass of whiskey (and keep the bottle close to him). We spoke about school, classes and actually, about everything. He would tell stories, lecture, and add some inappropriate jokes. We made a lot of decisions during those conversations, and I would wait for them the entire week.

  However, the next day, on Friday morning, Gabi would wake me up so I could help out; sweep the front road, water the plants or just use fertilizer on the grass. Those were the moments during which I regretted coming home to visit, but in hindsight, I didn’t regret them as much.

  When the food came and everyone was busy with their own plates as well as tasting from others, I read the letter again. Mom had never written such words to me. It was the most poignant birthday card I ever got. I knew I would keep this letter close to me, forever.

  Tommy sat next to mom and gently leaned his head on her. Mom caressed his hair and he closed his eyes like a kitten. He did this ever since he was a baby and never grew out of it. I guess it’s one of the advantages of being the youngest in the family.

  I really loved the necklace, and instantly wore it. But I loved the card even more. When we got back home, I put the letter in the drawer next to my bed. Then I took it out and read it again.

  That night, I dreamt I was celebrating my birthday with all of my family. Tommy, Jonathan and Gabi sat and talked. Grandpa Yokannan spoke to Adam while Ariel ran around him. I looked for mom. I kept asking everyone where she was but no one knew. But then the door opened and she walked in. She wore a short blue dress, showing her long legs, her hair was like it used to be, strait shoulder-length with bangs. She came and hugged me. And we kept hugging one another while everyone around us disappeared. It was just the two of us and the world fell silent.

  “Mom, are you asleep?” I opened my eyes and saw Adam standing next to me and looking at me. “I’m hungry.”

  I was pulled back to reality, and went to look for a snack-pack in the fridge. A new week had begun.

  Chapter 23

  “Listen, it’s getting unbearable. That place isn’t good for me. It’s all stress and nerves. One good case isn’t enough for me to survive that office.” Michael was pushing the stroller uphill. On Saturdays, when the weather was nice, the park was packed with parents trying to keep their kids busy. Adam ran around on the grass and Ariel tried breaking free from the stroller.

  “So, quit.” We stopped and I freed Ariel, who was now screaming.

  “Come on, be serious.”

  “Seriously. What’s the problem? You’ll find another job.”

  “But we were talking about having another child. I don’t want to postpone it. We don’t know how long I have left.” Ariel chased Adam and every now and then fell down.

  “Stop saying these things. You’re not sick and everything is fine. We can wait with the pregnancy until you find a different job and work for a couple of months.”

  “But I don’t want to wait. I want to have another child now, so I can spend enough time with it. We don’t know what’s going to happen to me.”

  “Stop stressing for nothing. You still have time to find a different job.” Michael looked at me desperately, and then turned to Adam who tried getting his ball back from Ariel.

  “Of course I’m stressed. I want to finish having children as soon as possible, that’s also what the doctors recommended. You realize that if something happens to me, you’ll have to find someone else, right? You won’t be able to handle them on your own.”

  “Now, you’re talking.”

  “Stop fantasizing. You’ll have to wait a bit until I actually die. Adam, come back here, stay close.” Adam wouldn’t listen and kept walking towards the petting zoo. Every time we came here, we had to visit the animals. When he was much younger and wanted to look closer at the animals, he would ask me to pick him up because he was afraid of them. Now, not only was he not scared, he actually tried feeding them. Ariel wasn’t afraid of anything, and nearly shoved her hand into the sheep’s mouth. I think the sheep was in fact scared of Ariel, because it ran away.

  Even though Adam was two years older than Ariel, she gave him courage and he
often followed her lead. When she wanted something, she was unstoppable. Ariel tried making the terrified sheep come back to the fence, but her yelling only scared the sheep more.

  After a few hours outside, we came back home tired, but the kids were still hyped up. After lunch, they threw their toys around and the living room looked like a jungle gym. Ever since Ariel stopped taking her afternoon naps, we could no longer rest on Saturdays.

  I looked at the oven, that was actually more useful as a clock. It was 2:30 P.M. How would I survive this day without a power-nap?

  “I need to do some work,” Michael said after having organized the dishes in the dishwasher.

  “Go ahead. I also have something to go over, but I’m too tired.” I vegged out on the sofa and Ariel sat next to me. Nathan asked me to have something ready for tomorrow, but I didn’t even get a chance to look at the documents. Natalie was sick this week and I couldn’t stay late at work. Mom worked a lot and couldn’t help me. Gabi still hadn’t found a job since they came back from Australia. He would occasionally pick them up from daycare, but he wasn’t capable of being with both of them for more than an hour. It would also usually make him complain about my parenting, how many toys they had and how messy our home was. Sometimes, I’d prefer hearing Nathan complaining instead. Sitting there, feeling sorry for myself, made me realize that something had to change, the sooner the better.

  “Come on, quit and that’s it.” I looked at Michael and the idea suddenly didn’t seem so absurd.

  “Ok, you’re right,” I heard myself saying.

  Michael lifted his eyes at me, shocked. He probably wasn’t expecting that answer, certainly not hearing the words ‘you’re right’.

  “I’ll talk to Sarah. Her parents have a friend named Alice, who has a small office in north Tel Aviv. She told me really good things about her. Maybe she could hook me up with something. It’s closer, so it’s also a shorter drive to work.”